Wesleyan Church Stands Behind Robertson

Indianapolis – In a bold move, General Superintendent Bruce Slater announced the Wesleyan Church’s full support and affirmation of Pat Robertson’s most recent controversial statements. On May 8th, Robertson informed the public that during a January retreat, he received a prophetic word from the Lord concerning the summer storm season in America. Robertson noted, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Eleven days later, Robertson more fully informed that, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Although Robertson has been on the receiving end of numerous criticisms for many of his most recent “predictions,” the Wesleyan Church has definitively aligned itself with these latest statements. Slater explained as follows:

“Look, we all know that America is a wicked, wicked place. It’s only a matter of time before God’s judgment comes raining down in force.”

When asked about Robertson in particular, Slater commented, “We’ve been waiting a long time for a prophetic voice to rise up and call America to its knees. Sure, Robertson is not popular right now, and a lot of people give him grief. But the bottom line is this: he’s against homosexuality, drinking, gambling, dancing–pretty much everything. That’s what holiness is all about, and these are the same values we’ve advocated from Day One, and so has God. You may call Robertson intolerant, but I call him brother.”

Not content with simple rhetoric, Slater advised of a major allocation of denominational resources to prepare for the impending disaster. To begin, Slater noted that all Wesleyan churches in the Pacific Northwest are being relocated at least 100 miles inland.

“A hundred miles is probably far enough to protect our buildings against major water damage, yet close enough that we can see the water rising from the reservoirs of God’s fury. We feel it’s healthy to observe the destruction of the wicked–it keeps you humble.”

Moreover, a new task force dubbed “Jonah’s Army” has been established in preparation for the imminent disaster. Michael Fosteri, the newly appointed Director of “Jonah’s Army,” explains its purpose:

“In Bible times, God sent Jonah to preach against the wicked city of Nineveh. He did such a good job that he convinced God not to wipe it off the face of the planet. “Jonah’s Army” is really just the same thing: it’s a group of people that are going to travel extensively throughout the Pacific Northwest. They are going to preach in the streets, telling people that they need to repent or God will punish them with a giant tsunami, just like He punished New Orleans with Katrina. All those dirty hippies in Seattle just sit around drinking coffee all day, never realizing the bitter brew that God’s about to rain down on their sinful heads.”

Fosteri further explained:

“Of course, we hope that “Jonah’s Army” will bring repentance and placate the wrath of God. It would be great to be a part of that. However, we’re not going to stick around for too long. After all, that stuff in the Old Testament wasn’t written for the fun of it. Look at the book of Amos–it’s chalk full of proclamations about the destruction of the wicked. As half of those prophecies haven’t happened yet, we feel it’s probably about time that some of them do. Look, at the end of the day, every city is either a Nineveh or a Gomorrah. If you repent, God is merciful. If not...you’re going down.”

Robertson could not be reached for comment.