Wesleyan Church Expresses Concern Over Fitness, Announces New Position

Recently, The Wesleyan Church launched “Holy Next,” a 20-hour retreat for spiritual renewal, designed to take Wesleyans to the “next level” in their walk with Christ.

During its one-month life, Holy Next has attracted tens of Wesleyans who have gladly paid the $49.00 registration fee for spiritual awakening and rejuvenation. Program Director Bill Carpenter notes, “Yeah, Holy Next has been a huge success. We’ve seen people grow spiritually, and you know that makes the big guy upstairs pretty happy.”

However, Holy Next has a dark side. Carpenter spoke candidly on the subject.

“While we’ve seen a lot of spiritual growth over the last month in the Holy Next attendees, we’ve also seen growth in other areas–particularly in the waistline.”

Apparently, Holy Next has generated such excitement among its attendees that many are coming for multiple weekends. Carpenter noted the problem: “You know, for only $49.00 bucks, it’s difficult to buy really healthy food for them to eat. After all, once you take out money for guest speakers, accommodations and the complimentary “God First — You’re Next” t-shirts, there’s not much left for food. We have to depend mostly on donations and church pot-luck leftovers--that means a whole lot of fried chicken and deviled eggs.”

To compound the problem, Carpenter pointed out that attendees are mostly sedentary during the meetings. “There’s such spiritual fervor that most people spend almost all day and all evening at the alter confessing, repenting–really just trying to get holy. However, this inactivity means that not very many calories are getting burned. When you’ve eaten nothing during the day but cinnamon rolls and triple fudge cake, you’ve got a big problem. And I mean a ‘big’ problem.”

The problem, however, is not limited to the Holy Next retreats. As denominational statistics reveal, over 70% of Wesleyans are physically unfit. Seeking to stop the expansion of the collective Wesleyan waistline, Headquarters recently announced the formation of a new position–Director of Physical Holiness. The Director will be responsible for working with leaders in the Outreach, Discipleship and Evangelism departments. Doug Frist, an ex-aerobic fitness instructor, was recently named as the first Director. In an interview, Frist described his responsibilities: “Over the next several years, I will be working to raise awareness of the relationship of physical fitness to holiness. A lot of people think holiness is simply a spiritual reality. However, God says “Be holy as I am holy.” Do you really think God is sitting up in heaven with a spare tire? I don’t think so.”

As his first initiative, Frist is launching “Holy Flex.” Initially, Holy Flex will compliment the spiritual renewal that participants experience during the 20-hour Holy Next retreat. Explains Frist, “Basically, not that much is going to change with Holy Next. All we are going to do is change the menu and have mandatory fitness breaks–I think once every 2 ½ hours should do it.”

However, Frist ambitiously plans to expand Holy Flex well beyond the retreat context: “I would love to see Holy Flex go far beyond Holy Next into every Department of the denomination. From Discipleship to Global Partners to the Department of Education, we’re just trying to get the word out. Nothing would make me more proud than to show up on Sunday morning and be led by my pastor in a good round of calisthenics during the sermon. Instead of the “Freshman 15" at our universities, I would love to see a corps of ripped pastors entering the ministry. And can you imagine General Conference with group jumping jacks? It’s just...just...I’m sorry, it really gets me emotional.”

Frist concluded: “When it comes down to it, the whole point of this new emphasis on physical fitness is the same focus the Wesleyan Church has always had: HOLINESS. When someone is holy, you should be able to look at them and see their fruits. All we’re trying to do is make the fruits a bit more visible. When you lift your shirt and pinch your stomach, I say you’re checking your fruits. If you grab a handful, you’ve definitely got a way to go. But if you’re rapping your knuckles on a sculpted rock-solid six-pack, you know that’s something real. That’s holiness.”