Wesleyan Church Prepares for The Da Vinci Code, Announces Historical Discovery

SAN DIEGO-- As movie theaters nationwide prepare to release the long awaited film adaptation of Dan Brown's runaway bestseller “The Da Vinci Code,” Wesleyan churches are getting ready for this onslaught of near hurricanic proportions.

Denounced by most evangelical groups and organizations for its unorthodox re-tellings of church history and canon formation, as well as lewd sexual scandals and cover-ups, The Da Vinci Code has raised as many questions as eyebrows and ire. Because of the interest generated by this work, churches have had to move quickly to stem the tide of doubt and honest intellectual questioning. Within the Wesleyan Church itself, over four books along with DVD materials have been published and released to prepare for the upcoming movie. Local church pastor Tim Lovett explains:

“Ever since this book came out, I've had all kinds of people in my church coming up to me asking if Jesus really had a baby, if John was gay or if that was really Mary Magdalen in the painting, and if the Knight's Templar really wore scratchy tights underneath their tunics. Hey, I got shoved into my first church right out of college; I didn't have the chance to go to seminary to learn how to answer these questions. That's why it's such a great thing that our denomination is coming out with these materials. Now I can feel informed. I mean, if it's on a DVD, there has to be some merit in it.”

The new campaign within the Wesleyan Church first urges member to read The Da Vinci Code, only to follow it by books written by prominent Wesleyan pastors and scholars to undermine what was just recently read.

“It's really the old marketing game of getting the last word,” Lovett continues. “Most people I know read as little as possible, so if the last thing they read is your stuff, then you're in a great position. Obviously they aren't going to bother to check back in the book to see if our stuff accurately reflects it.”

While the literature and media campaign comprises the first line of defense, Wesleyan art scholars have one last ace up their sleeve. Art historian Mary Mert describes her most recent discovery:

“It really is an exciting find, something that is sure to shake up the art world and be the final 'codebreaker.'"

The discovery is that what is thought to be Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece The Last Supper was not the final work, but a later painting touch-up on top of the original. In fact, the top most layers of the painting have been meticulously removed to reveal a more shocking find than perhaps anything suggested in The Da Vinci Code itself.

“What we found is truly revolutionary, and throws Dan Brown's hypotheses into utter ruin. His book has raised questions as to the identity of the seemingly genderless person who has traditionally been identified as the Apostle John, but sometimes mistaken by the likes of Brown to be Mary Magdalen. Well, after peeling back the re-touched portions of the painting, we have found the most startling discovery of all- Da Vinci actually did not paint the table in front of John- instead, we see his entire lower half, with tunic flapping and genitals exposed. Indeed, there can now be no more doubt as to the gender of the enigmatic figure.”

Reports of The Wesleyan Church offering lithographs of The Last Supper have not been confirmed.

Church leaders feel confident that the release of the movie will pass like a low threat level tropical storm. In fact, “In Your Face, Da Vinci” celebration parties are being planned in several states, complete with youth rallies, special song services, and t-shirt give-aways. “Born by a Virgin, Always a Virgin” promises to be a popular design among the teenagers.

“In the end,” Lovett concludes, “this whole thing is going to boil down to the senses. Once everyone is able to see with their own eyes, visually, the shocking truth, The Da Vinci Code will be broken for good. All I can say is that the Apostle John, fair skinned though he may be, is obviously just the kind of man's man to do it.”