Local Wesleyan Pastor Rents Billboard...for Himself

Lyncourt, NY -- Bill Champion, pastor of the Lyncourt Wesleyan Church, recently shocked his congregation when he rented out a billboard along a busy thoroughfare in Central New York. The 24x26 billboard presents a large picture of Champion, along with a customized slogan: "Bill Champion / Real / Relevent / Kinda Like Jesus."

This recent move has angered many in Champion's congregation. An unnamed congregant voiced bewilderment over the billboard: "Don't get me wrong--we've always loved Pastor Champion. I mean, c'mon, how can you not love a pastor with the name 'Champion.' Just his name is very motivating--it just excites people. But this billboard is over the top. It's all him, and you can barely even see the church's name at the bottom. None of us can quite figure out what it's all about. I used to invite everyone at the plant to come to church with me. But now I'm just plain embarrassed."

The commissioning of the billboard comes on the heels of last month's announcement by long-time District Superintendent Isaiah Murphy that he would retire at the end of the quater. Pastors from around the Central New York District informed that Champion's ambitions to rise in the ranks of the denomination were far from a secret. One related that, "During pastor's retreat, Champion used to write 'Bill Champion, District Superintendent' on his name tag. He said he was just 'trying it out' to get the feel for it. And one time, when he forgot to take it off when the General Superintendent came in, Champion was mistaken for Murphy and functioned in Murphy's capacity for an entire afternoon." Thankfully, the mix up was eventually noticed and corrected. General Superintended Myers, when questioned about Champion's impropriety, simply laughed it off: "What can I say...the guy radiates authority and confidence. You can't help but love the guy!"

The proximity of Murphy's retirement and Champion's commissioning of the billboard has led to speculation that he is making a serious bid with the Wesleyan population in Central New York to become the next District Superintendent. Such conjecture is corroborated by recent "discrepencies" in church treasury reservers. Long time treasurer Bill Mattock confided that the books have been unbalanced over the last month. Money that was supposed to be ear-marked for repainting the youth group's meeting room has been disappearing. At first, Mattock thought that youth pastor Jeremy Coolridge was simply using his discresionary power to spend the money in other areas. However, Coolridge denies this. Mattock confessed, "Although the missing money is mysterious, nothing illegal has happened. We can't prove anything."

Although Champion declined to comment on allegations regarding the inconsistencies in the church's treasury records, when asked about the billboard, Champion was forthright: "Hey, I'm just trying to get myself out there. Ask yourself this question: Why do people come to church? For the music? Ha! Our choir couldn't hit a clear note if their salvation depended upon it! I'll tell you why--they come to hear the pastor, they come to see me. Sure, you could advertise the church, and show the building, but that would bore the people to death--they'd never come. But when they see a Champ'n smiling at 'em, that's something special, something no other church has. And that means a whole lotta souls."

Champion's tactics seem to be working. Despite the controversy the billboard has created within Lyncourt Wesleyan, the Lyncourt community as a whole is enthusiastic about the "message" it communicates, and the church's Sunday worship attendance has quadrupled in a month. "I think the billboard is great," relates a local store owner. "When I see the billboard, I feel safe, like God loves me. When I see Champion smiling down on me, I know it's going to be a great day."