The Wesleyan Church Announces Definitive Eschatology, Partners with van Impe

Indianapolis -- After decades of theological noncommittal, The Wesleyan Church announced today that its Discipline is being updated with a definitive eschatological statement. Popularly knows as the doctrine of the “end times,” eschatology has long been an ambivalent topic within Wesleyan theological circles. Not so anymore, says General Superintendent Doug Mason.

“Look, The Wesleyan Church has been an official denomination for over 35 years now. But up till now, we’ve only dodged the issue. It’s time we give our people a straight answer.”

When pressed, Mason provided other reasons for the rethinking of the doctrine. Apparently, several theological professors from the Church’s denominationally run schools have complained about the lack of a firm “end times” stance. For instance, Mel Cochran, from one of the Church’s eastern-board schools, confided, “I’ve been teaching systematic theology for 20 years now. Don't get me wrong: it’s great, and I think the student’s really get a lot out of it. However, it does get somewhat embarrassing when we get to the eschatology section. What do I tell them, ‘Oh, we don’t we really believe anything about that?’ Of course not! Lately, I've just skipped the subject altogether, or we order pizza and watch Left Behind, the movie.”

When asked if the run-away popularity of the best-selling series, Left Behind, had anything to do with the move, Mason did not evade.

“Yeah, the success of the Left Behind series was a huge part of it. In the cutthroat market of American evangelicalism, you have to really put yourself out there if you’re going to get the crowds. The Wesleyan Church has really struggled attracting people over the past 20 years, and I really think our lack of end times teaching is a major factor. The bottom line is this: the “end times” stuff is all the rage right now. People are really hungry to know about what is going to happen; they want witty bumper stickers; they want silly t-shirts; they want end-times inspired worship albums and devotional bibles; but mostly, they want a play-by-play of the whole thing until the exact moment that Jesus comes back. We intend to give that to them.”

In order to provide as precise of an answer as possible, The Wesleyan Church has enlisted the services of world-known eschatological teacher Jack van Impe. Jack and his wife, Rexalla, currently have a weekly syndicated television news program, a slew of “end times” videos, and numerous publications. The van Impe’s could not be reached for comment.

When questioned about the partnership, Mason recalled that the decision was not easily won: “At first, there was a lot of opposition. When you go 35+ years without defining a position, a lot of people start to think a lot of different things about the same issue. I remember when we first tabled the Rapture. Before any one could stop it, a huge debate broke out about pre-millenial, amillenial, bicentennial, pre-trib, post-trib, baby back ribs—it was quite confusing.”

Mason continued: “That’s mostly why we decided to go with vam Impe. He's a professional. He knows what he believes and he knows how to communicate it in such a way that will make you feel like you're going to hell if you don't agree with him. I don't have to tell you that we are entirely behind that! Also, he’s got pretty much the entire Bible memorized. It’s hard to be wrong when you’ve got that much Word in you. Interestingly enough, we in The Wesleyan Church are currently in the "Year of the Bible. Coincidence, I think not."

When asked about van Impe's prophetic trackrecord, Mason replied: "Sure, he’s made a couple of incorrect predictions over the years, but hey, we’re all human. And after all, God said we couldn’t know the day or the hour of Christ’s coming—but that doesn’t mean we can’t blackboard the week, at least. By the way, it’s the third week in April, 2012…”

The redefinition will be inserted into The Discipline at the next General Conference.