The Wesleyan Church Announces "Strategic" Partnership with Indiana Muslims

Indianapolis-- In what is being hailed as an 'unprecedented' move, The Wesleyan Church announced today what they are calling a 'strategic' partnership with Muslims in the state of Indiana. When asked to comment, John Moyer, the Indiana-Michigan superintendent in charge of the partnership, said that “this partnership is a mutual coming together of faiths to take back our country from the left-wing immoral media and the godless machine of filth and vice- Hollywood.”

The head Muslim cleric involved in the partnership, Muhammad Ahmed, said that the Muslims of Indiana were “excited to find a group of Christians who hold to the same moral values we do, and who will join with us to stand against the onslaught of the Great Satan.”

Some Christian groups have questioned The Wesleyan Church's involvement with Muslims, but Moyer believes it will be beneficial for both, and that through dialog and exchange they can help each other live holy lives unto God/Allah.

“Holiness is a big deal for us in the Wesleyan Church...in fact, you could say it's job no.1. We have come to see that it's the same for Muslims. Their piety is amazing...everyone prays 5 times a day; I'm lucky to keep my congregation from falling asleep during the before sermon prayer. Admittedly, the Muslims do it out of a sense of fear and coercion, but hey, it gets results.”

Unbeknownst to many, Wesleyans and Muslims share many commonalities:

1. Both have utterly failed to be relevant to the surrounding culture. Most Wesleyan churches were built or look as if they were built in the 50's, and still retain most, if not all characteristics of that time period, including reminiscences back to 'the glory days of the faith.' Islamic worship and culture has itself remained unchanged for even longer, sometimes even centuries. When asked to comment on this, Moyer simply replied, “Sweet.”

2. Muslim and Wesleyan women tend to dress in nearly the same form of modest apparel. Some Wesleyan women even see facial covering as a long-anticipated blessing. “Now I can go to the store and pick up my weekly Cosmopolitan without worrying about a church member seeing me”, said one pastor's wife who wished to remain anonymous.

3. Young people are encouraged to add fervor to their faith. Justin Lank, a 17-year old card carrying member of Word of Life Wesleyan Church in Muncie, IN, said that his Muslim friends had “a passion in their eyes, and in their hearts, kind of like I had after attending Logos05. True, I don't wanna blow up anything, but I do like their style, and I find a lot of resonance in some of their beliefs, especially the 70 vestal virgins thing. That would be sweet. Hey, Revelation is pretty vague, and it uses the number 7 a lot, so here's hoping.”

Moyer sees Muslims as adding to their worship services. “We've had rhythm problems in our church- it's something that is actually endemic to Wesleyan churches. But when some of our Muslim friends came in with their darbukas, it really added something special. After all, when you are playing contemporary music like 'Everybody Sing Praise to the Lord' and 'Majesty', you really have to have a good underlying beat.”

Some opponents of the partnership are concerned that the subordination of women within Islam might carry over into Wesleyanism. “In reality, the egalitarianism within the Wesleyan Church has been overstated. Sure, we've ordained a few women, but it's very rare you'll find one in a huge leadership position. We mostly try to keep them in small rural churches. In Islam a women would never have a position of authority over a man. Many of us have frankly suspected that the egalitarianism within the Wesleyan movement was simply a “nod” to the role that women played in overcoming slavery. But now that slavery is over, there's no need to keep up this charade about gender equality. We will be glad to get back to our roots, and what the scriptures actually say. After all, if you have coraboration from another holy book, it's really hard to go wrong.”

Critics have accused the church of trying to be subtly evangelistic in this partnership. “It's just not true, says Moyer, that this is an attempt at conversions. However, we do believe that as Muslims see our holy lives, they will understand that Jesus died for their sins and that they need to ask him into their hearts. Since Muslims already strive to be holy, they're more than half-way there as far as I'm concerned...”

When asked for a final comment on criticism from fellow Muslims, Ahmed simply replied that “Just because we form a partnership with blasphemous idolaters doesn't mean that we have perverted the true faith. We are simply seeking a partnership with another faith group so that we can fight the sickening disease of immorality in this country, and that the true light of Allah may shine through us.”