Wesleyan Church Prepares for The Da Vinci Code, Announces Historical Discovery

SAN DIEGO-- As movie theaters nationwide prepare to release the long awaited film adaptation of Dan Brown's runaway bestseller “The Da Vinci Code,” Wesleyan churches are getting ready for this onslaught of near hurricanic proportions.

Denounced by most evangelical groups and organizations for its unorthodox re-tellings of church history and canon formation, as well as lewd sexual scandals and cover-ups, The Da Vinci Code has raised as many questions as eyebrows and ire. Because of the interest generated by this work, churches have had to move quickly to stem the tide of doubt and honest intellectual questioning. Within the Wesleyan Church itself, over four books along with DVD materials have been published and released to prepare for the upcoming movie. Local church pastor Tim Lovett explains:

“Ever since this book came out, I've had all kinds of people in my church coming up to me asking if Jesus really had a baby, if John was gay or if that was really Mary Magdalen in the painting, and if the Knight's Templar really wore scratchy tights underneath their tunics. Hey, I got shoved into my first church right out of college; I didn't have the chance to go to seminary to learn how to answer these questions. That's why it's such a great thing that our denomination is coming out with these materials. Now I can feel informed. I mean, if it's on a DVD, there has to be some merit in it.”

The new campaign within the Wesleyan Church first urges member to read The Da Vinci Code, only to follow it by books written by prominent Wesleyan pastors and scholars to undermine what was just recently read.

“It's really the old marketing game of getting the last word,” Lovett continues. “Most people I know read as little as possible, so if the last thing they read is your stuff, then you're in a great position. Obviously they aren't going to bother to check back in the book to see if our stuff accurately reflects it.”

While the literature and media campaign comprises the first line of defense, Wesleyan art scholars have one last ace up their sleeve. Art historian Mary Mert describes her most recent discovery:

“It really is an exciting find, something that is sure to shake up the art world and be the final 'codebreaker.'"

The discovery is that what is thought to be Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece The Last Supper was not the final work, but a later painting touch-up on top of the original. In fact, the top most layers of the painting have been meticulously removed to reveal a more shocking find than perhaps anything suggested in The Da Vinci Code itself.

“What we found is truly revolutionary, and throws Dan Brown's hypotheses into utter ruin. His book has raised questions as to the identity of the seemingly genderless person who has traditionally been identified as the Apostle John, but sometimes mistaken by the likes of Brown to be Mary Magdalen. Well, after peeling back the re-touched portions of the painting, we have found the most startling discovery of all- Da Vinci actually did not paint the table in front of John- instead, we see his entire lower half, with tunic flapping and genitals exposed. Indeed, there can now be no more doubt as to the gender of the enigmatic figure.”

Reports of The Wesleyan Church offering lithographs of The Last Supper have not been confirmed.

Church leaders feel confident that the release of the movie will pass like a low threat level tropical storm. In fact, “In Your Face, Da Vinci” celebration parties are being planned in several states, complete with youth rallies, special song services, and t-shirt give-aways. “Born by a Virgin, Always a Virgin” promises to be a popular design among the teenagers.

“In the end,” Lovett concludes, “this whole thing is going to boil down to the senses. Once everyone is able to see with their own eyes, visually, the shocking truth, The Da Vinci Code will be broken for good. All I can say is that the Apostle John, fair skinned though he may be, is obviously just the kind of man's man to do it.”

Purpose-Driven© Wesleyan Church Leaves Denomination, Signs Movie Deal

ROJA VALLEY, CA-- Roja Valley Wesleyan Church, located in California’s beautiful Roja Valley, adjacent to the world-known Silicon Valley, became the last evangelical church to become Purpose Driven© by completing the 40 Days of Purpose©. Evangelical leaders hailed this landmark day as ‘historic’, ‘exciting’, and the ‘beginning of a great move of God before the last days.’ John Thaner, Senior Pastor of Roja Valley Wesleyan, certainly joins in the chorus.

“We are just so excited to have finally taken this beginning step into becoming a church that God can use in this generation. In the past we have held to traditional doctrines like the second work and entire sanctification, but to be honest, it hasn’t gotten many butts in the seats. Now we have a purpose, and we’re going to show California what Christianity is all about.”

The Purpose Driven Church©, written by Saddleback Church© pastor and founder Rick Warren©, is essentially a field guide to growing bigger churches. But it is The Purpose Driven Life©, written more for the laity, that is the implementation of The Purpose Driven Church©. In the program, all church members go through 40 Days of Purpose© in which they find that their faith© and life© up until that point has been purposeless©, and that until they identify within their lives the core principles of The Purpose Driven Life©, they cannot hope to be either a meaningful human being© or an effective witness© in their community.

“We’re finally beginning to see the path that God© wants for us,” Thaner explains. “At first we were hesitant. I mean, my congregation consists primarily of intelligent, well-educated, upwardly mobile professionals. When I first gave them the book, they balked at its mediocre writing, as well as its simplistic premises. But as we got to Day 25©, we began to think differently. We saw how it had helped Saddleback© become what it is today- a massive church that through its sheer size influences the world. Well, that got the competitive spirit in my professionals going; now, we really have something to shoot for.”

“We realize that once we have killer music, a cappuccino bar, and the pastoral staff in khakis and Hawaiian shirts, we’re really going to reach the seekers© in our community for Christ.”

Already, Roja Valley has tripled in attendance from 250 to 750 within the first month of completing the 40 Days©. But with an increase in size, there comes the corollary increase in denominational dues. Because of wanting to devote more resources to cutting-edge technology, Roja Valley decided to officially break its denominational ties.

“It was a tough decision,” Thaner laments, “but a necessary one. It was either ‘pay the denominational dues’ or ‘hire a professional band.’ When it comes down to winning souls, you know where we’re going to be going.”

This move has even caught the eye of the movie industry, and within three months a new release based on the events of Roja Valley Wesleyan Church will be distributed to theatres nationwide. Entitled “Saddleback Mountain”, the film will showcase the drama of a church wanting to be faithful to its denomination, but struggling to define itself and its true love for the seeker sensitive movement. Hailed by critics as ‘Powerful’, ‘Touching’, ‘A testament to the human spirit’, ‘A sweeping emotional drama’, ‘Courageous’ and “The film of the year’, “Saddleback Mountain” may redefine the relationship of the church to the film industry.

In Roja Valley, things couldn’t be better.

“We’re just excited about where we are going. It’s going to take a lot of hard work; we will have to sell a lot of mocha lattes, I’ll have to buy a lot of khakis, but we all have sacrifices to make in the spread the Gospel©. One thing I know, however, is that now that we have a purpose©, and with The Purpose Driven Life© as our guide, we can’t go wrong.”

Media Technician Celebrates 50 Years, Local Wesleyan Church Ponders Future.

MARION, IN-- For Jared Wilkins, this coming Sunday’s worship service is not just an ordinary Sunday. It marks the 50th anniversary of service as Media Technician at Free Life Wesleyan Church. On April 8, 1956, Wilkins moved the first fader in what was then a fledgling congregation. Now, 50 years later, he is still at it, and has only missed two Sundays due to health complications.

“I absolutely love this church,” Wilkins exclaimed. “When I first came here there was absolutely no sound system, no equipment of any kind. For the first three months it was okay. Then the church grew to 150, and I just couldn’t hear the preacher anymore from the back. It was then I knew it was time to change.”

True to his word, change came, and rapidly at that. Wilkins used his vacation time to completely overhaul the sanctuary to accommodate then state-of-the-art sound equipment. Within two weeks, he had installed a sound system that was wired into the existing power.

Retired Pastor Bill Newman commented on those days in the church:

“It was really an incredible time. People walked into the sanctuary that week, and saw speakers hanging from the rafters, microphones by the piano for the vocalist, and a podium microphone in front of me. There was no more pushing and shoving so people could sit up front and hear. In fact, many people commented that they were happy about the sound system because they could now sit in the back and still hear.”

The change wasn’t without controversy, however.

“Some people felt we were capitulating to the culture,” Newman continues. “I mean, you have hippies walking around with guitars and little amps strapped to their waist, and some believed we were representing that mindset. For the most part, however, it was accepted pretty readily.”

Fifty years later, not much has changed. You can still come in and see Jared at his post, ready for another service. Despite the occasion, not all church-goers are thrilled with the current state of things. Worship Pastor Phil Dowman expressed his concerns recently:

“When I first came here, I was pretty shocked. The sound system looked as if it was installed in the 50’s. We still use old Radio Shack mics that Jared picked up for five dollars 47 years ago, and all we have for speakers are those drabby looking EV’s. I have served here for three years, and have desperately asked for money to upgrade. The board seems to feel, however, that what we have is good enough, since Jared is there running it. I have been attempting to move our congregation towards a more contemporary style of worship, but it’s hard when we are projecting lyrics from a 35mm projector.”

Despite criticism, Wilkins remains undeterred.

“I come from a generation that believes if you take care of something, it will last forever. I don’t see why we need fancy mics like Shure SM57s and speakers made by Yamaha when what we have works. Personally, I feel that a Chris Tomlin lyric on a 35mm slide gives a vintage feel to the service, and vintage seems to be all the rage these days.”

While denying rumors that the Creative Arts Team is secretly hoping for Wilkins to die soon, Dowman reiterated his concerns:

“You just can’t have a quality worship presentation with the equipment we have. The Bible says that God is doing a new thing, so I think we need new equipment so the Holy Spirit can better flow through it. I don’t want the Spirit constrained by a 100 watt amp that is currently powering everything.”

In the end, Wilkins sees himself sliding faders until the day he dies.

“When most guys get to be my age, they want to retire and go golfing on Sundays. Not me. I have a place here, and until my legs stop kicking I’m gonna be ‘cranking out the jams,’ as the kids like to say. It’s a challenge, definitely, especially when you can’t get David Crowder on cassette tape. But when you are serving God, you just do the best you can.”

Wesleyan Church Expresses Concern Over Fitness, Announces New Position

Recently, The Wesleyan Church launched “Holy Next,” a 20-hour retreat for spiritual renewal, designed to take Wesleyans to the “next level” in their walk with Christ.

During its one-month life, Holy Next has attracted tens of Wesleyans who have gladly paid the $49.00 registration fee for spiritual awakening and rejuvenation. Program Director Bill Carpenter notes, “Yeah, Holy Next has been a huge success. We’ve seen people grow spiritually, and you know that makes the big guy upstairs pretty happy.”

However, Holy Next has a dark side. Carpenter spoke candidly on the subject.

“While we’ve seen a lot of spiritual growth over the last month in the Holy Next attendees, we’ve also seen growth in other areas–particularly in the waistline.”

Apparently, Holy Next has generated such excitement among its attendees that many are coming for multiple weekends. Carpenter noted the problem: “You know, for only $49.00 bucks, it’s difficult to buy really healthy food for them to eat. After all, once you take out money for guest speakers, accommodations and the complimentary “God First — You’re Next” t-shirts, there’s not much left for food. We have to depend mostly on donations and church pot-luck leftovers--that means a whole lot of fried chicken and deviled eggs.”

To compound the problem, Carpenter pointed out that attendees are mostly sedentary during the meetings. “There’s such spiritual fervor that most people spend almost all day and all evening at the alter confessing, repenting–really just trying to get holy. However, this inactivity means that not very many calories are getting burned. When you’ve eaten nothing during the day but cinnamon rolls and triple fudge cake, you’ve got a big problem. And I mean a ‘big’ problem.”

The problem, however, is not limited to the Holy Next retreats. As denominational statistics reveal, over 70% of Wesleyans are physically unfit. Seeking to stop the expansion of the collective Wesleyan waistline, Headquarters recently announced the formation of a new position–Director of Physical Holiness. The Director will be responsible for working with leaders in the Outreach, Discipleship and Evangelism departments. Doug Frist, an ex-aerobic fitness instructor, was recently named as the first Director. In an interview, Frist described his responsibilities: “Over the next several years, I will be working to raise awareness of the relationship of physical fitness to holiness. A lot of people think holiness is simply a spiritual reality. However, God says “Be holy as I am holy.” Do you really think God is sitting up in heaven with a spare tire? I don’t think so.”

As his first initiative, Frist is launching “Holy Flex.” Initially, Holy Flex will compliment the spiritual renewal that participants experience during the 20-hour Holy Next retreat. Explains Frist, “Basically, not that much is going to change with Holy Next. All we are going to do is change the menu and have mandatory fitness breaks–I think once every 2 ½ hours should do it.”

However, Frist ambitiously plans to expand Holy Flex well beyond the retreat context: “I would love to see Holy Flex go far beyond Holy Next into every Department of the denomination. From Discipleship to Global Partners to the Department of Education, we’re just trying to get the word out. Nothing would make me more proud than to show up on Sunday morning and be led by my pastor in a good round of calisthenics during the sermon. Instead of the “Freshman 15" at our universities, I would love to see a corps of ripped pastors entering the ministry. And can you imagine General Conference with group jumping jacks? It’s just...just...I’m sorry, it really gets me emotional.”

Frist concluded: “When it comes down to it, the whole point of this new emphasis on physical fitness is the same focus the Wesleyan Church has always had: HOLINESS. When someone is holy, you should be able to look at them and see their fruits. All we’re trying to do is make the fruits a bit more visible. When you lift your shirt and pinch your stomach, I say you’re checking your fruits. If you grab a handful, you’ve definitely got a way to go. But if you’re rapping your knuckles on a sculpted rock-solid six-pack, you know that’s something real. That’s holiness.”