Wesleyan Church Stands Behind Robertson

Indianapolis – In a bold move, General Superintendent Bruce Slater announced the Wesleyan Church’s full support and affirmation of Pat Robertson’s most recent controversial statements. On May 8th, Robertson informed the public that during a January retreat, he received a prophetic word from the Lord concerning the summer storm season in America. Robertson noted, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Eleven days later, Robertson more fully informed that, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Although Robertson has been on the receiving end of numerous criticisms for many of his most recent “predictions,” the Wesleyan Church has definitively aligned itself with these latest statements. Slater explained as follows:

“Look, we all know that America is a wicked, wicked place. It’s only a matter of time before God’s judgment comes raining down in force.”

When asked about Robertson in particular, Slater commented, “We’ve been waiting a long time for a prophetic voice to rise up and call America to its knees. Sure, Robertson is not popular right now, and a lot of people give him grief. But the bottom line is this: he’s against homosexuality, drinking, gambling, dancing–pretty much everything. That’s what holiness is all about, and these are the same values we’ve advocated from Day One, and so has God. You may call Robertson intolerant, but I call him brother.”

Not content with simple rhetoric, Slater advised of a major allocation of denominational resources to prepare for the impending disaster. To begin, Slater noted that all Wesleyan churches in the Pacific Northwest are being relocated at least 100 miles inland.

“A hundred miles is probably far enough to protect our buildings against major water damage, yet close enough that we can see the water rising from the reservoirs of God’s fury. We feel it’s healthy to observe the destruction of the wicked–it keeps you humble.”

Moreover, a new task force dubbed “Jonah’s Army” has been established in preparation for the imminent disaster. Michael Fosteri, the newly appointed Director of “Jonah’s Army,” explains its purpose:

“In Bible times, God sent Jonah to preach against the wicked city of Nineveh. He did such a good job that he convinced God not to wipe it off the face of the planet. “Jonah’s Army” is really just the same thing: it’s a group of people that are going to travel extensively throughout the Pacific Northwest. They are going to preach in the streets, telling people that they need to repent or God will punish them with a giant tsunami, just like He punished New Orleans with Katrina. All those dirty hippies in Seattle just sit around drinking coffee all day, never realizing the bitter brew that God’s about to rain down on their sinful heads.”

Fosteri further explained:

“Of course, we hope that “Jonah’s Army” will bring repentance and placate the wrath of God. It would be great to be a part of that. However, we’re not going to stick around for too long. After all, that stuff in the Old Testament wasn’t written for the fun of it. Look at the book of Amos–it’s chalk full of proclamations about the destruction of the wicked. As half of those prophecies haven’t happened yet, we feel it’s probably about time that some of them do. Look, at the end of the day, every city is either a Nineveh or a Gomorrah. If you repent, God is merciful. If not...you’re going down.”

Robertson could not be reached for comment.

Wesleyan Church Releases Video Game, Corners Theological Gaming Market

SEATLLE-- In an effort to boost membership amongst the elusive gaming demographic, the Wesleyan Church announced the release of a Wesleyan-based video game. Developed by Sanctisoft Developers, a subsidiary of the similarly named software monolith, this release hopes to corner the market on theologically based video games.

Fans of the reality-based game “The Sims©” will recognize the latest installment of the popular series. Entitled “The Sims©: Wesleyan Edition,” this expansion pack will feature Wesleyan-appropriate/inspired game-play.

“The Sims©” is a role-playing game in which players can customize a “Sim©”- a virtual person who is exposed to a wide variety of stimuli and undergoes numerous experiences. The player controlling the Sim© is able to choose career paths, make everyday decisions such as what to eat and wear, and is even able to see the consequences of those decisions within the game. If a player doesn't have their virtual person go to work, or chooses a life of crime, the virtual Sim© will experience the various repercussions of those decisions.

The Wesleyan edition will allow the player far greater control of the spiritual life of the Sim©. Whereas in previous editions of “The Sims©” the Sim© could only experience spirituality on a superficial and generic level, the Wesleyan Edition gives a much wider berth in regards to the Sim's spiritual well-being. The player can control how often the Sim© has devotions, goes to church, and even has built in parameters for gaging spiritual growth based upon which church the Sim© attends. Activities such as drinking alcoholic beverages, public dancing, and inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex (such as talking) can have negative effects on the overall Sanctification Level, which charts the sanctification of the Sim©, all the way from the lowest level of Sinner to the highest level of Saint. As the Sim© progresses in sanctification, the Sim© receives various rewards from the game, which leads to the overall fulfillment of the Sim©.

Although “The Sims©: Wesleyan Edition” has been authorized by the Wesleyan Church, many Wesleyans have issued detractions against the game, ranging from capitulation to culture to theological issues. Rev. Andy Senta is one such detractor:

“This game isn't Wesleyan at all- it's Calvinism in Arminian clothing. It gives the impression that life is simple causality- you make a decision, and there is a determined response. Basically, we're asking people to play God. And not just any God, but Calvinism's God. And with a simple cheat code, you can bypass doing the things for sanctification, and have it filled just by being saved. That's nothing but imputed righteousness. They might as well call it the Lutheran Edition."

However, most Wesleyans feel that this foray into the virtual world of “The Sims©” will help the Wesleyan Church get its name into the world of gaming. Mark Stromborg, lead developer for Sanctisoft, explains:

“These are exciting times for the Wesleyan Church, and for gaming in general. With the release of the Wesleyan Edition, gaming has taken a new step forward. Gone are the days of lame Christian games- now Wesleyans can hold their heads up high within the gaming world. In fact, the anticipated success of this expansion pack is so great that we have already begun developing expansion packs for other popular series. Be on the lookout for Grand Theft Auto©: Aldersgate in 2008.”

Wesleyan Church Calls Emergency Session, Articulates Stance on Inerrancy

INDIANAPOLIS-- Following unprecedented interest and controversy caused by recent archaeological discoveries related to Christian origins, most notably the Gospel of Judas, the Wesleyan Church convened an emergency session to articulate its stance on inerrancy. Representatives from all North American districts and 13 different nations were present at what is being called the 1st Council on Faith and Praxis. However, unlike similar evangelical meetings in the past to define inerrancy, like the Chicago Statement on Inerrancy, the Council on Faith and Praxis seeks to go further and ‘nail down touchy areas of belief and practice.’ Leo Menhelt, head of the newly formed Department of Faith and Doctrine, explains:

“There is so much more at stake here than the Bible. Those kinds of questions are old hat. We as Wesleyans like to be on the cutting-edge of things, so we’ve taken it up a notch. For years there has been a running joke in our churches and conferences that the Discipline of the Wesleyan Church is the “Blue Bible.” Well, let’s just say it’s not a joke anymore.”

In a decision that many see as the logical culmination of years of church practice, the 1st Council on Faith and Praxis defines the Discipline of the Wesleyan Church as “infallible in respect to Christian belief, church administration and Christian life.” It further defines the Articles of Religion as “the interpretive matrix through which Holy Scripture should be approached, understood, and taught” and articulates the guidelines concerning the individual’s life and practice as a “sufficient and binding addendum to the teachings of Scripture regarding the life of a professing Christian.”

Critics have already protested what they feel is an unwarranted appropriation of power and authority, with many detractors decrying its allegedly ‘un-ecumenical nature.’

“This kind of negative thinking, although unfortunate, is understandable, and not altogether unexpected,” Menhelt retorts. “However, the concerns of ecumenicity are unfounded. After all, we had Wesleyans from California present at the Council, and who voted in the affirmative no less. If that’s not ecumenical, I don’t know what is.”

Some highlights and peculiar additions of the decisions of the Council to be included in the next printing of the Discipline include:

- All decisions of Councils on Faith and Praxis are considered infallible and binding. This applies both retroactively and for future Councils.

- Susannah Wesley and Phoebe Palmer will both henceforth be termed ‘co-sanctificatrix.’

- Since the descriptive terms ‘Arminian’ and ‘Armenian’ are often ignorantly confused when used to refer to one’s theological stance, the entire population of Armenia will be considered Wesleyan by proxy.

- The hymns of Charles Wesley, though not inspired, can and should be used authoritatively for the strengthening of local churches.

- Potlucks can be considered sacramental, so local pastors can have more time for their preaching on the quarterly Sundays generally devoted to the Lord’s Supper.

“It’s a new era in our church,” Menhelt exclaims. “We’re really looking forward to what we can do now that we have an authoritative guide that isn’t open to debate and interpretation. I for one am glad that if someone has a tricky question for me about drinking or dancing, I can hold up the Discipline and know I’m right. That gives me a really good feeling that honest intellectual and cultural dissent just can’t beat.”

"Prescription Drinking" Creates Controversy in Wesleyan Church

Over the last several years, there have been numerous studies conducted, revealing that consuming a moderate amount of wine–especially the red variety–is actually beneficial to one’s health and can increase life expectancy.

However, this news has also caused a crisis amongst Wesleyans. From its earliest days preceding the Civil War, Wesleyans have historically prohibited the consumption of alcohol by its members. Per the membership requirements outlined in the Wesleyan Church’s Discipline, members are to “demonstrate a positive social witness by abstaining from...alcoholic beverages” (265.4). Rev. Harold Bunting, a leading District Superintendent in the denomination, describes the problem:

“Basically, it comes down to a conflict of interests. Science tells us that drinking wine in moderation will help us live longer. But the Bible tells us not to drink at all. It’s just like with evolution: you can believe what science says and ignore the Bible, but that’s a sure one-way ticket to hell.”

Nonetheless, some ambitious Wesleyans have recently discovered a way to bypass the membership requirements of abstinence from alcoholic beverages while still maintaining their membership commitments. Currently, a loop-hole exists in the Discipline, allowing for the use of drugs for “proper medical purposes” (265.4). As the logic follows, because such a proliferation of scientific research has been done proving the use of wine for health benefits, medical doctors are now permitted to write prescriptions for the moderate use of wine.

One doctor, Steven Goldfarb, M.D., has seen a significant increase in business over the last year. He spoke enthusiastically of the Discipline loophole:

“About a year ago, I was approached by a Wesleyan who informed me of the loophole. After I wrote her a prescription, she told her friends who told their friends and, well, let me just say that I won’t be vacationing in Iowa again this year.”

Goldfarb’s business has grown so much, that he has expanded his services to take advantage of the Internet.

“The new online prescription service allows Wesleyans from all over the country–heck, even the world–to get a prescription for the moderate use of wine. The added benefit is that they are able to maintain their privacy and don’t have to worry about nosy pastors following them around, trying to catch them in the act.”

An added benefit of the prescription for wine is that members of the Wesleyan Church are literally immune from membership discipline. As it falls under the criterion of “proper medical purposes,” the use of wine with a doctor’s prescription is perfectly within the Wesleyan Church’s membership rules of conduct.

One local pastor, who wished to remain anonymous, is attempting to get a group prescription for his congregation.

“Dr. Goldfarb and I are currently researching the possibility of getting a ‘blanket’ prescription for my congregation. We want to be able to celebrate communion using real wine, just like Jesus and his disciples did. Most people don’t realize that Jesus could have used plain old grape juice, but instead chose the good stuff. Obviously, he did it because he knew the health benefits. Today, science is finally helping us to realize something that Jesus took for granted. There aren’t many areas where we can bridge the ancient and modern contexts like this. Jesus himself told his disciples to “drink it all.” That’s a command we can’t ignore. All I can say is, ‘Bottoms Up!’”

Nonetheless, this exploitation of the Discipline loophole has Wesleyan leadership scrambling to reclaim moral control over the membership. To try and “close” the loophole, an emergency General Conference has been called where the issue of ‘prescription drinking’ will be brought to the fore. Harold Bunting, again:

“This whole issue is out of control. It is eroding our denomination’s uncompromising stand against every appearance of evil. Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Noir, Sangiovese–these are all synonyms for SIN. Have you ever heard of ‘Gewürztraminer?’ I’m pretty sure that means ‘Anti-Christ’ in German. When it comes down to it, this ‘prescription for drinking’ is really nothing more than a ‘license to sin.’ The Wesleyan Church does not care what modern science says about the supposed health benefits of alcohol. All we know is that the Bible says ‘no,’ and that’s that. And even if there are health benefits to drinking wine, our stance is the same. Holiness is not about being healthy–it’s about following the rules. There’s gonna be a lot of “healthy” people in hell. No amount of chilled, white Zinfandel will stifle that heat...”

(Thanks to JW for the inspiration!)