Wesleyan Church Opts For "Power of Prayer" Over "Material Aid."

Indianapolis-- In the wake of hurricane Katrina, and with denominational coffers at a yearly low, the Wesleyan Church has officially declared a halt on calls for donations to the devastated areas affected by recent storms. Despite harsh criticism from many humanitarian organizations, denominational officials have defended the recent change in policy. During a recent press conference, Larry Holman, a spokesman for the denomination, explained the departure from the traditional Wesleyan practice of charity:

"It's true that in the past The Wesleyan Church has been very active in humanitarian issues, even going back to our early Methodist roots. And we're not straying from that. We're simply creating a paradym shift in the way that our concern is actually manifested. We're extremely excited about this new direction."

This new direction, according to officials, is to focus almost, if not completely, on prayer for victims affected by hurricane Katrina.

"For years," Holman continues, "we have focused almost exclusively on using material resources to alleviate human suffering. And to be sure, it has a certain level of effectiveness. However, we are trying to be a witness to this world, and how does that say anything about the power of God? It doesn't. We want to show the world that it's all about what God can do, not us. I mean, come on, if you give someone money to rebuild their house, they thank you, not God. But we want to pray, and wait for God to give them money. That way, there's no confusion. It's really all about clarity for us."

Official spokesmen for The Wesleyan Church have cited a long-range vision in their decision. According to an anonymous official, the "goal of this all is to use the money we would have wasted on humanitarian purposes to help make our churches bigger. The more people in our churches, the more people can be praying. The more people praying, the more God will pay attention and do great things. It's a very logical system, and we have high hopes that it will be a very successful one."

According to membership surveys across the denomination, there has been little if no fallout from this change in direction. In fact, a recent random survey of members from every district has indicated a 'certain level of relief.' Holman explains:

"Most of our churchgoers are tired of the guilt that gets placed on them everytime some kind of tragedy strikes. Frankly, they find it a bit depressing. This way, they don't have to feel the pressure of always giving and giving and giving. A bi-monthly prayer meeting is something that just about everyone can handle. We're all about that."

Already the effects have been felt denomination-wide. Membership has increased by 15%, and many churches are able to invest extra cash in remodeling, building projects, and multi-media upgrades.

"In the end, we think this is the right direction. After all, you can't quantify God or what God does. But you can quantify extra cash. And when it comes time to submit year-end reports, that's something special.

Wesleyan Church Begins 'True Love Waited Too Long' for Singles

GRAND RAPIDS-- Faced with a dwindling membership base in North America, The Wesleyan Church has begun a bold new program focused on getting Wesleyan singles married.

"Frankly, our churches are shrinking, and we need some of our young people to start cranking out babies" says Robert Young, Pastor of Singles and Young Adults at New Day Wesleyan Church in Grand Rapids, MI.

"For decades we've been telling our young people to 'wait' and find 'the one that God has for you.' To be honest, it's just not working. Way too many are finding vocations and callings where singlesness is a very real and useful option. Well, we're here to stem the tide."

For many Wesleyan singles, finding dates has been few and far between. Just ask Julie Rennard, member of New Day.

"I haven't had a date in over five years," says the 32 year old single. "Years ago the church decided that it didn't want the singles' group to be a dating service. Thanks to them, I can't meet anybody."

The church is trying to remedy this situation by implementing a dating service not unlike eharmony.com. Older married church members have been asked to play an integral role within the new program.

"We really have a wonderful base from which to draw. There are many women within our church who are more than willing to play the matchmaker," Young says with a grin.

In other parts of the country, similar programs have met with overwhelming success. Boston Wesleyan used to have a thriving singles' ministry. However, thanks to the True Love Waited Too Long program, it is now a smaller, tight-knit group of singles who are simply socially undateable. Mike Logan, the Singles' Minister, credits the program for bringing the ministry to where it is today.

"We used to have over 200 singles in this church. However, thanks to this program, only 35 singles remain. The rest are married or in meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Some look at the dwindling numbers and see failure. I look at them and can go home and be proud of a good days' work."

Unbeknownst to many, the True Love Waited Too Long program has been in place for decades, but has simply gone 'under the radar' for all those years. Bob Mahon, Director of Spiritual Life at Oklahoma Wesleyan University, explains:

"This program has really just come out of its incubationary stages to be fully matured within local churches. In all reality, we have been making use of this program at all of our universities for years. Although we strive for excellence in education, what we are really known for is 'hooking the kids up.' We as a university are pleased to have the highest per-capita engagement rate of all Wesleyan-approved universities. We have students meeting and getting married within 3 months. That gives you a feeling of success that advanced degrees just can't give you."

"This is really a long-term vision," Mahon concludes. "In 20 years, we will start to see the fruits of our efforts- membership directories swelling, increased giving, more butts in the seats. It's true, this program may not work for all of our singles, but we will always need missionaries to send out, and it's so much cheaper when they're single. We see this truly as a win-win situation."

The Wesleyan Church Announces Definitive Eschatology, Partners with van Impe

Indianapolis -- After decades of theological noncommittal, The Wesleyan Church announced today that its Discipline is being updated with a definitive eschatological statement. Popularly knows as the doctrine of the “end times,” eschatology has long been an ambivalent topic within Wesleyan theological circles. Not so anymore, says General Superintendent Doug Mason.

“Look, The Wesleyan Church has been an official denomination for over 35 years now. But up till now, we’ve only dodged the issue. It’s time we give our people a straight answer.”

When pressed, Mason provided other reasons for the rethinking of the doctrine. Apparently, several theological professors from the Church’s denominationally run schools have complained about the lack of a firm “end times” stance. For instance, Mel Cochran, from one of the Church’s eastern-board schools, confided, “I’ve been teaching systematic theology for 20 years now. Don't get me wrong: it’s great, and I think the student’s really get a lot out of it. However, it does get somewhat embarrassing when we get to the eschatology section. What do I tell them, ‘Oh, we don’t we really believe anything about that?’ Of course not! Lately, I've just skipped the subject altogether, or we order pizza and watch Left Behind, the movie.”

When asked if the run-away popularity of the best-selling series, Left Behind, had anything to do with the move, Mason did not evade.

“Yeah, the success of the Left Behind series was a huge part of it. In the cutthroat market of American evangelicalism, you have to really put yourself out there if you’re going to get the crowds. The Wesleyan Church has really struggled attracting people over the past 20 years, and I really think our lack of end times teaching is a major factor. The bottom line is this: the “end times” stuff is all the rage right now. People are really hungry to know about what is going to happen; they want witty bumper stickers; they want silly t-shirts; they want end-times inspired worship albums and devotional bibles; but mostly, they want a play-by-play of the whole thing until the exact moment that Jesus comes back. We intend to give that to them.”

In order to provide as precise of an answer as possible, The Wesleyan Church has enlisted the services of world-known eschatological teacher Jack van Impe. Jack and his wife, Rexalla, currently have a weekly syndicated television news program, a slew of “end times” videos, and numerous publications. The van Impe’s could not be reached for comment.

When questioned about the partnership, Mason recalled that the decision was not easily won: “At first, there was a lot of opposition. When you go 35+ years without defining a position, a lot of people start to think a lot of different things about the same issue. I remember when we first tabled the Rapture. Before any one could stop it, a huge debate broke out about pre-millenial, amillenial, bicentennial, pre-trib, post-trib, baby back ribs—it was quite confusing.”

Mason continued: “That’s mostly why we decided to go with vam Impe. He's a professional. He knows what he believes and he knows how to communicate it in such a way that will make you feel like you're going to hell if you don't agree with him. I don't have to tell you that we are entirely behind that! Also, he’s got pretty much the entire Bible memorized. It’s hard to be wrong when you’ve got that much Word in you. Interestingly enough, we in The Wesleyan Church are currently in the "Year of the Bible. Coincidence, I think not."

When asked about van Impe's prophetic trackrecord, Mason replied: "Sure, he’s made a couple of incorrect predictions over the years, but hey, we’re all human. And after all, God said we couldn’t know the day or the hour of Christ’s coming—but that doesn’t mean we can’t blackboard the week, at least. By the way, it’s the third week in April, 2012…”

The redefinition will be inserted into The Discipline at the next General Conference.

The Wesleyan Church Announces "Strategic" Partnership with Indiana Muslims

Indianapolis-- In what is being hailed as an 'unprecedented' move, The Wesleyan Church announced today what they are calling a 'strategic' partnership with Muslims in the state of Indiana. When asked to comment, John Moyer, the Indiana-Michigan superintendent in charge of the partnership, said that “this partnership is a mutual coming together of faiths to take back our country from the left-wing immoral media and the godless machine of filth and vice- Hollywood.”

The head Muslim cleric involved in the partnership, Muhammad Ahmed, said that the Muslims of Indiana were “excited to find a group of Christians who hold to the same moral values we do, and who will join with us to stand against the onslaught of the Great Satan.”

Some Christian groups have questioned The Wesleyan Church's involvement with Muslims, but Moyer believes it will be beneficial for both, and that through dialog and exchange they can help each other live holy lives unto God/Allah.

“Holiness is a big deal for us in the Wesleyan Church...in fact, you could say it's job no.1. We have come to see that it's the same for Muslims. Their piety is amazing...everyone prays 5 times a day; I'm lucky to keep my congregation from falling asleep during the before sermon prayer. Admittedly, the Muslims do it out of a sense of fear and coercion, but hey, it gets results.”

Unbeknownst to many, Wesleyans and Muslims share many commonalities:

1. Both have utterly failed to be relevant to the surrounding culture. Most Wesleyan churches were built or look as if they were built in the 50's, and still retain most, if not all characteristics of that time period, including reminiscences back to 'the glory days of the faith.' Islamic worship and culture has itself remained unchanged for even longer, sometimes even centuries. When asked to comment on this, Moyer simply replied, “Sweet.”

2. Muslim and Wesleyan women tend to dress in nearly the same form of modest apparel. Some Wesleyan women even see facial covering as a long-anticipated blessing. “Now I can go to the store and pick up my weekly Cosmopolitan without worrying about a church member seeing me”, said one pastor's wife who wished to remain anonymous.

3. Young people are encouraged to add fervor to their faith. Justin Lank, a 17-year old card carrying member of Word of Life Wesleyan Church in Muncie, IN, said that his Muslim friends had “a passion in their eyes, and in their hearts, kind of like I had after attending Logos05. True, I don't wanna blow up anything, but I do like their style, and I find a lot of resonance in some of their beliefs, especially the 70 vestal virgins thing. That would be sweet. Hey, Revelation is pretty vague, and it uses the number 7 a lot, so here's hoping.”

Moyer sees Muslims as adding to their worship services. “We've had rhythm problems in our church- it's something that is actually endemic to Wesleyan churches. But when some of our Muslim friends came in with their darbukas, it really added something special. After all, when you are playing contemporary music like 'Everybody Sing Praise to the Lord' and 'Majesty', you really have to have a good underlying beat.”

Some opponents of the partnership are concerned that the subordination of women within Islam might carry over into Wesleyanism. “In reality, the egalitarianism within the Wesleyan Church has been overstated. Sure, we've ordained a few women, but it's very rare you'll find one in a huge leadership position. We mostly try to keep them in small rural churches. In Islam a women would never have a position of authority over a man. Many of us have frankly suspected that the egalitarianism within the Wesleyan movement was simply a “nod” to the role that women played in overcoming slavery. But now that slavery is over, there's no need to keep up this charade about gender equality. We will be glad to get back to our roots, and what the scriptures actually say. After all, if you have coraboration from another holy book, it's really hard to go wrong.”

Critics have accused the church of trying to be subtly evangelistic in this partnership. “It's just not true, says Moyer, that this is an attempt at conversions. However, we do believe that as Muslims see our holy lives, they will understand that Jesus died for their sins and that they need to ask him into their hearts. Since Muslims already strive to be holy, they're more than half-way there as far as I'm concerned...”

When asked for a final comment on criticism from fellow Muslims, Ahmed simply replied that “Just because we form a partnership with blasphemous idolaters doesn't mean that we have perverted the true faith. We are simply seeking a partnership with another faith group so that we can fight the sickening disease of immorality in this country, and that the true light of Allah may shine through us.”

Local Wesleyan Pastor Rents Billboard...for Himself

Lyncourt, NY -- Bill Champion, pastor of the Lyncourt Wesleyan Church, recently shocked his congregation when he rented out a billboard along a busy thoroughfare in Central New York. The 24x26 billboard presents a large picture of Champion, along with a customized slogan: "Bill Champion / Real / Relevent / Kinda Like Jesus."

This recent move has angered many in Champion's congregation. An unnamed congregant voiced bewilderment over the billboard: "Don't get me wrong--we've always loved Pastor Champion. I mean, c'mon, how can you not love a pastor with the name 'Champion.' Just his name is very motivating--it just excites people. But this billboard is over the top. It's all him, and you can barely even see the church's name at the bottom. None of us can quite figure out what it's all about. I used to invite everyone at the plant to come to church with me. But now I'm just plain embarrassed."

The commissioning of the billboard comes on the heels of last month's announcement by long-time District Superintendent Isaiah Murphy that he would retire at the end of the quater. Pastors from around the Central New York District informed that Champion's ambitions to rise in the ranks of the denomination were far from a secret. One related that, "During pastor's retreat, Champion used to write 'Bill Champion, District Superintendent' on his name tag. He said he was just 'trying it out' to get the feel for it. And one time, when he forgot to take it off when the General Superintendent came in, Champion was mistaken for Murphy and functioned in Murphy's capacity for an entire afternoon." Thankfully, the mix up was eventually noticed and corrected. General Superintended Myers, when questioned about Champion's impropriety, simply laughed it off: "What can I say...the guy radiates authority and confidence. You can't help but love the guy!"

The proximity of Murphy's retirement and Champion's commissioning of the billboard has led to speculation that he is making a serious bid with the Wesleyan population in Central New York to become the next District Superintendent. Such conjecture is corroborated by recent "discrepencies" in church treasury reservers. Long time treasurer Bill Mattock confided that the books have been unbalanced over the last month. Money that was supposed to be ear-marked for repainting the youth group's meeting room has been disappearing. At first, Mattock thought that youth pastor Jeremy Coolridge was simply using his discresionary power to spend the money in other areas. However, Coolridge denies this. Mattock confessed, "Although the missing money is mysterious, nothing illegal has happened. We can't prove anything."

Although Champion declined to comment on allegations regarding the inconsistencies in the church's treasury records, when asked about the billboard, Champion was forthright: "Hey, I'm just trying to get myself out there. Ask yourself this question: Why do people come to church? For the music? Ha! Our choir couldn't hit a clear note if their salvation depended upon it! I'll tell you why--they come to hear the pastor, they come to see me. Sure, you could advertise the church, and show the building, but that would bore the people to death--they'd never come. But when they see a Champ'n smiling at 'em, that's something special, something no other church has. And that means a whole lotta souls."

Champion's tactics seem to be working. Despite the controversy the billboard has created within Lyncourt Wesleyan, the Lyncourt community as a whole is enthusiastic about the "message" it communicates, and the church's Sunday worship attendance has quadrupled in a month. "I think the billboard is great," relates a local store owner. "When I see the billboard, I feel safe, like God loves me. When I see Champion smiling down on me, I know it's going to be a great day."

Small Church Rocked by Ginger Beer Scandal

Flint, MI -- Only 6 months ago, First Day Wesleyan Church hired the first youth pastor in their 80-year history. "This is a brand new experience for my church," said long-time Senior Pastor, Brent Michaels. "I mean, we've had people from the congregation fill in here and there through the years. But we've never had a full-time staff member who is trained specifically to work with the yutes," Michaels relates through is thick Michigan accent. "We were very excited--can you blame us?"

Indeed, the church was excited when Josh Kellers, a recent graduate of Oklahoma Wesleyan University and major in Youth Ministry, accepted the call. "Josh was full of energy, good ideas--he was ready and raring to go," said Ishmael Fernandez, a new member to the church's 8 person Local Board of Administration.

According to sources, the first 6 months of Keller's ministry to the youth of First Day Wesleyan were full of promise and success. Michaels noted that 7 teens had "received Jesus," 3 had become entirely sanctified, and 1 or 2 expressed interest in becoming full-time ministers in The Wesleyan Church. "The days were full of promise--very exciting. We were actually looking forward to the future," Michaels reflectively notes, "until it happened."

The it to which Michaels refers is a scandal that has rocked this little holiness church to the core. As witnesses note, one Saturday night Kellers entered the local Meijer, supposedly to buy groceries. However, that was not all that he bought. Ms. Melinda Noisewater, wife to the longest standing member on the board, witnessed the entire event: "I saw Josh pushing his shopping cart full of groceries to the checkout stand. I was only a couple of registers away, so I watched him as he unloaded his groceries. Suddenly, I saw him pull out..." Ms. Noisewater stops suddenly, as if the shock is still prescient, but continues, "He pulled out that evil devil drink--beer."

The "beer" to which Ms. Noisewater was referring turned out to be Stewart's brand Ginger Beer, "a true Jamaican-style Ginger Beer with a zesty pepper flavor." Interestingly enough, Stewart's Ginger Beer is entirely alcohol-free. However, before Kellers even realized what was happening, Ms. Noisewater was on the prayer chain hotline, and within seconds the story of Keller's immorality was known by all.

When Kellers arrived at the office at 10:00 a.m. the next morning, he was greeted outside by Michaels. Inside, Kellers could see several of the Quilting Ministry ladies, as well as a few grey hairs from the Missions Committee. They all stared at him with furious expressions. Michaels explained that they were there demanding Kellers' resignation. When Kellers tried to defend his innocence, Michaels interrupted him: "Josh, I'm sorry. The Bible says we--well, in this case, you--are to eschew the very appearance of evil. You should have eschewed. You're fired."

After several attempts, Kellers was successfully contacted for comment. When asked his opinion of the scandal and fallout from his penchant for zesty Jamaican drinks, Kellers simply replied, "I don't see what the big deal is. There wasn't even any alcohol in it, and I didn't give it to any of the kids. It's not like I was dancing..."

A year after the scandal, the church is still healing. Michaels notes, "There is still a big feeling of shock and disappointment in the church. Trust has been broken. People can't believe that such filth would come from OWU. Honestly, they just feel betrayed. I don't know if we'll be getting a new youth pastor anytime soon. There is still a lot of fallout that has to be worked through."

Wesleyan Church Invests Entire Outreach Budget in Marquee

Holland, MI-- Northside Wesleyan Church, a congregation of nearly 300 in Holland, MI, has decided to take a bold step in their outreach program. After an intensive six-month 'visioneering' process, the congregation voted overwhelmingly to use the 2006 outreach budget on a new, high-tech marquee.

“This is really a big step for us,” says Senior Pastor Jacob Lane. “Our church has decided that we really want to be 'out there' in our community, and we feel that this is the best way to do that. The excitement is really building.”

The new marquee will be enormous, easily visible from 1000 ft. and will boast an easy-to-read LED output which can be easily programmed from the 'nerve center' which will be located in the sound board console. It can display up to 200 characters at one time, in 6 colors, and even has the optional capability of displaying simple graphics and motion text. The marquee can also be programmed 'on-the-fly', a feature that really sold the church.

“This kind of technology essentially gives us so much freedom and creativity,” said Lane. “I can be preaching a sermon, and if the Holy Spirit really moves me to say something profound, the sound guy can type it up and display it on the marquee as people are driving by. The ministry potential is endless.”

Now the church can effortlessly display long-standing evangelical slogans such as 'CH CH': what's missing? UR', 'No Jesus, No peace; Know Jesus, Know Peace' and 'God answers knee-mail.' Some even create slogans that draw on popular advertising such as 'God is the new black', 'Jesus is my Ryan Seacrest', and 'I'm Full!(of the Spirit).'

“The church is really getting behind this. We have formed a creative planning team to come up with all kinds of slogans, sayings, and messages that will bring the gospel to a godless world. People are scouring the Internet, reading through old evangelical journals and Rolling Stone, and even staying up late at night to come up with things to say. People write them on Word, scraps of paper, napkins; one old lady even brought me something on a tissue she used to wipe away tears while watching Breakthrough with Rod Parsley. I tell you, that kind of ministry vision brings a tear to my eyes.”